(no subject)

i've been hesitant to post any writing lately, because it's all coming from somewhere pretty dark, and it's all part of a series, in a way. i'm still obsessed with the body, and especially with the size of the body, and i'm obsessed with why i'm obsessed with that, why anyone would be. so all my poems have been body image poems, and none of them are nice, and none of them are me. and they all make me hurt. i wish that i could write straight up love poems. but they all come out so....movie line-ish. i write something down like "could you look at me with your synapses spilled all down the front of me? staining my shirt with gunmetal and sunfire? always the metal, always the fire" and then what i feel is "i wish that i could love you in a time without either" and i mean, you can't put that in a poem. not a good one, anyway. it's odd though, i think i can do love poetry, just not at the time. you know? because when you're actually in a situation, when those movie line thoughts are actually poignant to you, you think wow god, but that really is a feeling i have, and i should say it if it's true. i think i watched too many movies and too much dawson's creek as a teenager or whatever...and i can remember really wishing that those kinds of things would happen to me, and then by the time they did finally start happening, i was so done with those shows, and everything anyone said sounded cheesy. it took really falling hard-onto-pavement-from-several-storeys in love before anything "romantic" was filled with enough personal....weight for it to have any meaning. what i meant to say is that i only have sappy poems about fire and cyborg love and notes about saint christopher and dark anorexia persona poems. i guess it's like greg says though, you have to write through what you don't like sometimes to get anything to come out of that pen that you do like.